There is a song, out there, called Four Old Whores of Baltimore. I heard it at MarsCon, and realized that it would be extremely easy to filk as a Pennsic song. Note that there are certain campfires around which even I, at my most depraved, will not sing this. But then, there's others where I will.

There were four old whores at the Pennsic War

Drinking the blood-red wine

And the theme of their conversation was

Mine is bigger than thine.”


Through me roly poly, tickle me holey
Smell o’ me slimey slough
and drag your nuts across me guts
I’m one of the whorey crew

You're a liar,” said the first whore

Mine is deep as the Bog

I love to tickle me fancy

With an un-split firewood log.”


You're a liar,” said the second

Mine's so deep and wide

When Ogre tried to mount me

Well, he got lost inside.”


You're a liar,”, said the third whore

Behold my pit of sin

I took three Dukes and a Pelican

And they ain't been seen again.”


You're a liar,” said the last one

Mine is the biggest yet

I took in the Tuchux Army

And never even broke a sweat!”


Original is public domain, parody by Erich von Kleinfeld aka Dexter Guptill